Slammin Full Bore Posted May 18, 2005 Report Posted May 18, 2005 read this through real good, i find myself doing this stuff all the time lol How To Poop At Work Lessons in Life We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Quote
Slammin Full Bore Posted May 18, 2005 Author Report Posted May 18, 2005 read this through real good, i find myself doing this stuff all the time lol How To Poop At Work Lessons in Life We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 370997[/snapback] wtf no one poops at work....geez Quote
stclark816 Posted May 18, 2005 Report Posted May 18, 2005 I havent ever worked in a cubical... On the job site, when you gotta go, you gotta go. You either climb in the back of a dump truck, go behind a wall, or head for the woods. Pretty funny shit though... Quote
Proquad101 Posted May 18, 2005 Report Posted May 18, 2005 That's funny. When I worked for American Airlines in DC there was a guy that would always take a dump in the forward bathroom every morning before he brought the plane to the jet bridge, it was funny because they were always getting on the guys that dump the toilets for not doing there jobs. Quote
Wallynut Posted May 19, 2005 Report Posted May 19, 2005 Work in a small shop. In the early morning, the boss/owner has a tendacy to use the shop can (he has a private john in the office). Don't know what the wife is feeding him, but the "invisible wall" is a killer! Quote
Holyman Posted May 19, 2005 Report Posted May 19, 2005 I thought I was the only one with those hangups. Check this out and tell me what you think... http://funnyjunk.com/pages/choosing_a_urinal.htm Quote
NYUK Posted May 19, 2005 Report Posted May 19, 2005 i work with a bunch of jokers in work, when they see you headed for the throne,they wait till your prairie dog has left his hole then they shut the light out on ya.it`s cave dark in there.so when it is a must,and i`ve, played the in and out game for an hour or 2,i will look for a safe haven on the other side of the building.our locker room is the same as the shitter and i think it should be a firing offense ,shitting at a shift change! Quote
Proquad101 Posted May 19, 2005 Report Posted May 19, 2005 i work with a bunch of jokers in work, when they see you headed for the throne,they wait till your prairie dog has left his hole then they shut the light out on ya.it`s cave dark in there.so when it is a must,and i`ve, played the in and out game for an hour or 2,i will look for a safe haven on the other side of the building.our locker room is the same as the shitter and i think it should be a firing offense ,shitting at a shift change! 371326[/snapback] One of the guys I work with now likes to turn out the lights also, so one day we had some dry ice and I made a dry ice bomb and threw it in the stall with him and turned out the lights. He doesnt mess with me anymore... Quote
racer Posted May 19, 2005 Report Posted May 19, 2005 You either climb in the back of a dump truck 371054[/snapback] haha, i prefer R-6 crates. nice and tall. j/k Quote
blk02banshee Posted May 19, 2005 Report Posted May 19, 2005 I had to go on the jobsite today . I had no choice. It was a porta-john and filthy as hell, and even had some guy try to open the door and kept knocking. When I got out, it turned out to be the porta-john cleaning guy . If I could have waited 10 more minutes, it woulda been all clean for me. Quote
dnhyoung Posted May 20, 2005 Report Posted May 20, 2005 I had to go on the jobsite today . I had no choice. It was a porta-john and filthy as hell, and even had some guy try to open the door and kept knocking. When I got out, it turned out to be the porta-john cleaning guy . If I could have waited 10 more minutes, it woulda been all clean for me. 371498[/snapback] Nothing worse than having to hit the porta john at about 3 o'clock on a hot afternoon when it's had all day to stir up quit a stench not to mention it's your own personal sauna. You come out drenched in sweat looking like you just gave birth to Shamu out of your a$$!!!! Quote
Brian060 Posted May 21, 2005 Report Posted May 21, 2005 One of the guys I work with now likes to turn out the lights also, so one day we had some dry ice and I made a dry ice bomb and threw it in the stall with him and turned out the lights. He doesnt mess with me anymore... 371363[/snapback] Hmmm... Please elaborate on the dry ice bomb It seems my generation (im in hs now) enjoies taking the loud and funny shits in school, and i cant see how work can be any different. Some sick bastards take it too far tho, i almost feel bad for the custodians Quote
MILO Posted May 25, 2005 Report Posted May 25, 2005 strangely funny not something you would think about normally, but something probably everyone can relate to. i have 11 guys on my crew, some of which treat the shop bathroom like it's a barnyard. i'm the foreman so i have access to the office area restrooms, which are always clean and i work nights so none of the office people are around. so i have no problems doing the deed at work. unless the cleaning lady happens to pop in then it's embarrassing cuz she has to wait till i'm done of course, to do her job. i've learned her routine and avoid the restroom when she's in that area. it's hard to bs with her as usual after she has to clean the bathroom after waiting on me. i usually avoid her then too. Quote
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