How to poop at work

[Titan up]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

 

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try

to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For

those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for

taking a dump at work.

 

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not

in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where

it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the

full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the

smell has left your pants.

 

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in

and check for other poopers. If

there are others in the bathroom,

leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

going into the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave

of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in

the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It

Is uncomfortable for all involved.

Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.

This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should

happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the

bathroom

to spare everyone the awkwardness of what

just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.

This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the

bathroom.

This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone

walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the

smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with

the use

of the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the

office for

the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK

(P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping

goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building

where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly

of the

opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex

entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work if this

occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way

you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that

you are in a stall is called a

Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up

a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is

very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt

that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting

the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel

a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the

toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a

Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

This person

could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror

or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax

while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the

bathroom is

empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

 

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part

of life.

[XxMeltIcexX]

I'm definately an Out of the Closet Pooper, gotta hate those turd burglers tho...

[KaosBanshee44]

Dude i'm the national crop dustin champion

[Animalman294]

Thats funny.......... sad but funny.......

[Bansh-eman]

HAVANA OMELET, that was funny.

[dragbanshee]

Thats some funny shit!

[firebanshee]

Thats some funny shit oh i mean poop. :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

[dajogejr]

Astaire and Camo Cough...damn that's funny....

[Hilarious]

ouch....my watermelon felt like it had a crown on it.

[DallasGDub]

I have used Camo Cough to cover up an ESCAPEE in my cube......LOL...good stuff.