Chuck Norris

[mia-shee]

In salute to Chuck Norris' official swearing in as an honorary Texas Ranger, below are 50 facts about the man himself.

1. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

 

 

2. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

 

 

3. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

 

 

4. Some magicians can walk on water; Chuck Norris can swim through land.

 

 

5. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

 

 

6. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

 

 

7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

 

 

8. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

 

 

9. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

 

 

10. Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.

 

 

11. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he stares them down until they tell him what he wants to know.

 

 

12. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

 

 

13Chuck Norris doesn't "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.[/color]

 

14. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

 

 

15. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

 

 

16. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

 

 

17. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

 

 

18. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

 

 

19. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down.

 

 

20. Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies... as The Force.

 

 

21. Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

 

 

22. Chuck Norris always knows where in the world is Carmen Sandiego.

 

 

23. Chuck Norris once made a snowman...out of rain.

 

 

24. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn; he stands on the porch and dares the grass to grow.

 

 

25. Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks are the 2nd leading cause of death world wide after heart attacks, most of which were caused by fear of his roundhouse kick.

 

 

26. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

 

 

27. Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.

 

 

28. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake. After three days of pain and agony… the rattlesnake died.

 

 

29. Chuck Norris doesn’t wake at sunrise; the sun waits and rises just prior to Chuck Norris opening his eyes.

 

 

30. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

 

 

31. There is no theory of evolution; just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

 

 

32. Chuck Norris was once stabbed by a knife, the knife bled to death.

 

 

33. Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.

 

 

34. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

 

 

35. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

 

 

36. When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you actually feel it.

 

 

37. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

 

 

38. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris (not the Box Jellyfish of Northern Australia) is the most dangerous creature on earth.

 

 

39. Chuck Norris can stab a knife with a man.

 

 

40. They once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a major problem; it wouldn't take sh*t from anybody.

 

 

41. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

 

 

42. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.

 

 

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Edited December 3, 2010 by mia-shee

[SandmanPNW]

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag women, he potato sacks them

[burhead]

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the periodic table of elements. The only element Chuck Norris believes in is the element of surprise.

[Pappa Kaneda]

When Chuck Norris was born the nurse screamed "Oh my God it's Chuck Norris." She proceeded to have sex with him there on the spot. That was the third time he had sex.

[tundish2800]

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

 

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

 

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

[tundish2800]

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

 

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

 

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

 

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

[tundish2800]

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

 

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

 

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

 

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

 

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

 

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

 

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

 

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

 

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

[Camatvcutie]

thats funny type in google. "Where is Chuck Norris" funny stuff

[moto4man]

lol

[mamejia]

chuck norris was walking through the city with a MASSIVE erection... there were no survivors.

[Dicklez]

Who the fuck is Chuck Norris?