fastbanshee8 Posted September 20, 2011 Report Posted September 20, 2011 TEXAS CHILI TASTING > If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope >for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this >slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of >the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in >Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off >about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a >parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced >Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. > > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili >cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I >happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions >to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the >other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that >spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the >tasting, so I accepted". > > > Here are the scorecard notes from the event: > > >CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > >Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the >flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > > > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken >seriously. > >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what >I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who >wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer >when they saw the look on my face. > > > > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > >Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. > >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels >like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get >me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my >backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from >all of the beer. > > > > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... > >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or >other mild foods, not much of a chili. > >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable >to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, >was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting >to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an >aphrodisiac? > > > > CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... > >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding >considerable kick. Very impressive. > >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I >can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her >chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by >pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my >lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop >screaming. Screw those rednecks. > > > > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... > >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of >spices and peppers. > >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and >garlic. Superb. > >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except >that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a >snow cone. > > > > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of >chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried >about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing >uncontrollably. > >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which >slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my >shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've >decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting >any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the >4-inch hole in my stomach. > > > > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... > >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too >bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, >passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. >Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have >reacted to really hot chili? > >Judge # 3 - No Report 1 Quote
bansheeinoz Posted December 29, 2011 Report Posted December 29, 2011 (edited) hilarious, reminds of the time i ate a habenero chilli thinking it was a capsicum. Edited December 29, 2011 by bansheeinoz Quote
Nightmare Posted March 9, 2013 Report Posted March 9, 2013 I needed a good laugh and that was it:lol: Sent from my SGH-T679 using Tapatalk 2 Quote
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