Funny joke thread

[Rustbag]

Joke list time!

 

 

here's a good one!

 

 

============================

 

Too Many Tequilas

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few moments later

 

a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the restroom. A few minutes

 

after that ... Another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

 

The bartender goes to the restroom door to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

 

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring the customers!"

 

 

 

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "And every time I try to flush

 

... Something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

 

 

 

With that, the bartender opens the door and says,

"You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!"

[Animalman294]

That was funny, I think that happened to me once................. :yelrotflmao:

[Rustbag]

turned ur nuts into flapjacks eh?

[trueraiderfan]

:yelrotflmao: that is funny

 

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in

front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet

he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

 

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more

excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

 

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache."

 

 

george w. bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

before the secret service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. he was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

the first kid said, 'i want to go to disneyland!' george w. said, 'no problem, ill take you there on the air force one.'

the second kid said, 'i want a new pair of nike air jodans!' george w. said, 'ill get them for you and even have michael sign them.'

the third kid said, 'i want a motorized wheelchair with a built in tv and stereo headset!!!'

george w. was a little perplexed by this and said, 'but you dont look like youre handicapped.'

the kid replied, 'i will be after my dad finds out i saved your ass from drowning.'

[BlackBeast]

What does Michael Jackson have in common with caviar?

 

 

 

 

 

They both cum on little white crackers.

[trueraiderfan]

A wife comes home early one day and finds her husband in their bed making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me your faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

 

The husband replies, "Just wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

 

"Hmmmmm, I don't know. Well, okay, but it'll be the last thing I ever want to hear from you. Make it fast, you lying, cheating dog!"

 

The husband begins to tell his story: "While I was driving home, this woman stopped me and asked me for a ride. She was so young and defenseless that I went ahead and let her in the car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days. With great compassion and caring I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing devoured them. Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd like to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she then needed some clothes, I gave her a pair of jeans you've had for a few years and can no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave you on our Anniversary that you won't wear because you think I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bug my sister and I also gave her the boots you bought at that expensive boutique and have worn only once after seeing one of your co-workers wearing the same pair."

 

The husband continues his story. . "The young woman was very grateful to me and as we were walking to the door she suddenly stopped and turned to me, tears streaming down her face, and said, 'Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?' "

[Rustbag]

I posted this in the roost room but it's worth reposting in here.

 

===========================

 

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.

 

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

 

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

 

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

[Hilarious]

Mickey mouse and Donald duck were hanging out one day.

 

Mickey turns to Donald and says, "Minnie and I are getting a divorce."

 

Donald asked Mickey, "Why?"

 

Mickey said, " cause she's fuckin' Goofy."

[The Rebel]

 

 

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in

front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet

he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

 

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more

excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

 

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache."

 

 

 

bwwwwwaaaahhhha! Now that's funny , I don't care who y'are .

 

Here's a quote for you. Don't know who it is said it.

 

I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a

large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart. Waiting in the

check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a

dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting

The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't

because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time from it.

But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an

intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of

my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and

that the way that it works is to load your pants

pockets with Purina nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as

the food is nutritionally complete. So, I was going

to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in

the line was by now enthralled with my story,

especially a tall heavy man behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her

no I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and

a car hit me.

 

The tall guy had to stagger out of the store,

nearly oxygen-depleted from laughter. I paid for the food and

left a lot of smiles behind me.

 

__________________________________________________

[trueraiderfan]

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks,

[GleasmJA]

Mid-Life Crisis

 

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one

day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch

black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with

a hot 25-year-old blonde.

 

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma

screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It

seems to me that you are not holding up your

side of things."

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told

me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she

would make sure that I would once again be living in a

cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

[trueraiderfan]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he's

not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked

under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her

and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss

time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I

do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to

sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A

thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for

her request.

 

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I

have heard about . numbaa 69."

 

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a

puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wiff Broccori?"

[Animalman294]

How Cool are You?

 

It's really accurate and doesn't take much time either.....

This test is based on how cool you were in High School and what crowd

you ran with, etc., but it's still pretty accurate by today's standards.

 

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

 

LET'S SEE; ARE YOU STILL A COOL PERSON? (Click on the link below to find

out.

 

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

[trueraiderfan]

A guy decides that he

[Animalman294]

Nice one............... :yelrotflmao: