gatesy Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," the wife snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?" "There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast." A rich Indian walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The Indian then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the Indian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multi-millionaire ? why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" "Where else in New York City can I park my car for $15.41?" the Indian man replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1.6i Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banshee04le Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 A guy gets a call and is informed that his wife has just been in a terrible accident. The man rushes to the hospital. When he gets there the doctor tells him that his wife is paralyzed from the neck down and that from now on the man will have to feed her, he'll have to bathe her, he'll have to dress her, he'll have to help her go to the bathroom. The man cries oh my god this is terrible!!! The doctor says I'm just fucking with you, she's dead. A local church is looking for an organ player. After awhile they settle on a guy who plays a little piano. The first sunday he is playing and a voice is heard from the pews... "mother fucker"...a little while later, the same comment is heard from the pews. The preacher stops the organist and addresses the congregation regarding the highly inapporopriate nature of the comment and asks for the guilty person to speak up. After some silence a man speaks up and says "well preacher, I'm not the mother fucker who yelled out mother fucker, but who in the fuck said that mother fucker could play the organ?" Stop me if you already heard that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketboy Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 The man cries oh my god this is terrible!!! The doctor says I'm just fuckingwith you, she's dead. thats good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odaen Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 A guy gets a call and is informed that his wife has just been in a terrible accident. The man rushes to the hospital. When he gets there the doctor tells him that his wife is paralyzed from the neck down and that from now on the man will have to feed her, he'll have to bathe her, he'll have to dress her, he'll have to help her go to the bathroom. The man cries oh my god this is terrible!!! The doctor says I'm just fucking with you, she's dead. that's a Gilbert Godfried joke from the Hugh Hefner Fryer's Club roast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gatesy Posted December 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 Divorce Letter Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife ......The saga continues..... Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s-540 Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? nothing you allready told her twice. what does a woman do after she gets out of the domestic violence shelter? the dishes if she knows whats good for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
locogato11283 Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 ha thats good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gatesy Posted December 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie - what are you doing?" Charlie replies "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Dunedin!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day, the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, and how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Dunedin and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patient's room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?" To which Ed replies,"Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Dunedin." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motoman991 Posted December 14, 2005 Report Share Posted December 14, 2005 haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
99Banshee Posted December 14, 2005 Report Share Posted December 14, 2005 A man dies and goes to hell..The man ask's the devil what is there to do down here.The devil replies Do you like to drink..? The man says yah..The devilreplies back, well on Mondays we drink any kinda alcahol you can think of and party all night and you wont haft to worry about getting a hang over becouse your dead...The mans like sweet.. The devil then ask's the man if he likes to get high..The man quickly says hell yah I do..The devil tells the man well good becouse on Tuesdays we sit around and get high on any kinda drug you can think of and you will not haft to worry about dieing becouse your already dead.. The man says man this place sounds better and better..The devil then asks the man if he likes to gamble..the man replies bet your ass I do, The devil tells him good on Wendsdays we gamble and have every thing you can think of..and you dont haft to worry about losing becouse your already dead..The man then say's wow this is better then being alive..the devil than ask's the man if he was gay..the man says no im not gay..the devil replies well your not going to like Thursday's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilarious Posted December 20, 2005 Report Share Posted December 20, 2005 A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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