best of craigslist

[zachmw]

funny stuff on here.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

 

I Puked in Your Purse

 

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Date: 2009-07-16, 6:32PM EDT

 

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You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can't wait to hear from you!!!

 

Porn laptop

 

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Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT

 

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I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.

So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.

Give me an email, price is negotiable

 

 

Location: Renton

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1278577164

[zachmw]

Dear Neighbor

 

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Date: 2009-08-10, 9:42AM EDT

 

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Dear Neighbor,

 

Why do you insist upon mowing your fucking lawn at 8 AM? At least once a week I wake up to hear your lawnmower revving away right outside my fucking window. Your whole lawn is shaded by your house and that huge tree, so I have to hear you stall the thing at least 12 times. Here's an idea.... WAIT UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LAWN IS DRY BEFORE YOU MOW IT!!!!!!!!! I get home from work at 4 AM only to awaken hours later to the sound of a weedwacker coming from next door. Closing the windows doesn't help. Putting the pillow over my head doesn't work. You could probably hear your mower in space.

 

Your lawn looks like ass anyway. Why even mow the damn thing? The potted plants you bought in May are still sitting, unplanted of course, in their original resting place, which appears to be a framed horseshoe pit in the center of your yard. There are a couple of oversized, azure synthetic drums out there that accent the always stylish, black rubber indoor/outdoor mats that tastefully adorn your back porch. For the love of God! The place looks like it belongs in Gummo. The only thing missing is a trailer, four screaming brats, a car up on cinder blocks and a couple mangy animals. If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch.

 

I can't stand you. I can't stand your lawnmower. I can't stand your shitty old man tattoo that looks like a vulture from afar. I can't stand the way you push around your stalling lawnmower over your wet grass while wearing Jack Daniels pajama pants at 8 in the morning. The last thing I need to see after four hours of sleep is some random old guy next door mowing his lawn without underwear.

 

I detest you. If I had a dog, I would let it into your lawn to shit.

[rusty1100]

Those are hilarious. Post some more if find any.

[banshee_terror_]

condoms and door knobs.

 

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Date: 2009-09-06, 10:46PM CDT

 

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I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up.

 

I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know.

[banshee_terror_]

RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf!

 

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Date: 2009-08-17, 10:17PM PDT

 

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"Seriously. He wants to put it there and I won't let him. It is annoying and obnoxious and does not feel good. I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Is he a closet fag or what. What makes a man suddenly go on this kick. We have been married for years and now this comes out. I want to throw the ring at him and tell him to go find some dude to get off with. Butts are for gay guys and men with freakinshly small dicks.

How do I get him to lay off the ass thing?

FYI: I am not boring in bed, and am a 5'11" 150lb blond with a nice rack and usually don't have to pay for a thing when I go out on the town with the girls. You get my drift."

 

You're either a troll or you have several issues.

Or both, I guess.

You sound like an ex highschool jock in denial of his homosexual desires to me, but on the odd chance that you are, in fact, female, I'll offer this..

 

Anal sex has been practiced and enjoyed by people of all sexualities, genders, and penis sizes (including no penis, on the part of females who like to perform anal sex on men or other females) for thousands of years, and it's unlikely that will change just because some sexually repressed or prudish or unimaginative or overly sensitive people don't care for it.

It says nothing whatsoever about a man's sexual orientation that he wants to give a woman anal sex, or that he wants to receive it from her.

And it says nothing about the size of a man's cock, though it might very well say something about the size of the woman's cunt, since the anus can expand to fit almost anything, just like a pussy, as you could see by watching any number of ass fisting videos or, if you're so inclined, the ones of people getting fucked in the ass by horses with cocks as thick as your neck.

But unlike a pussy, the anus will always tighten back up afterward, except in very rare medical cases, and remain a tight fit without special exercises, so before you get too focused on size, maybe you should look at yourself and see if there's an obvious non-fetish reason he might be after your ass, such as you being so loose he can't feel anything, or could bury his dick in there with his hand still wrapped around it and jerk off inside you.

 

[edit]When I went to post this, the server was down for maintenance and I see that you've since responded that you've tried Kegel's, so maybe that's not an issue, but it was an obvious thing to guess, so you should have mentioned it in your original post.

 

Or, maybe he just wants something different, or maybe he's not thought much about it before and just found some good anal porn and is excited to try something new.

And maybe he is bored in bed, since, despite your claim of not being boring, people have their own opinions on such things and even wild bisexual nymphomaniac gangbangers can be boring.

I remember a porno with a girl getting fucked silly by two guys at once, and either in the video itself or in the bonus content, one of the guys turns to the camera and says "DP's (double penetrations) are boring.", and I thought.. damn, dude.. life is rough, huh... but I was at an orgy during a party one night at a student co-op in Eugene and got involved in a DP and at one point, sure enough, it was kind of boring, because the other dude and I kept throwing off each other's rhythm and had to stop right in the middle of everything and do some logistics calculations and finally decided one of us was going in her mouth and she'd get a toy stuck up whatever hole remained.

So, anyway, maybe you should ask him if he's bored in bed with you and why.

Maybe you should ask him a lot of things you aren't asking him, and tell him a lot of things you aren't telling him.

Maybe, like a lot of people, he just has a desire to do something "naughty".

 

Everybody's different, so you can't say "it does not feel good", because millions of people think it does, but you can say it doesn't feel good to you, and if that's really the case, you probably either have a medical, anatomical, or psychological problem or else he's doing it wrong, or if he hasn't done it yet, then whoever did it to you before was doing it wrong.

But, you know, I used to like carrots and hate baked beans, and now it's exactly the opposite.

Things change, and if you're too rigid and judgmental, you may end up missing out on enjoying things because of it.

 

My current girlfriend refused to even consider anal sex at first, because she'd had a bad experience in her past with some inconsiderate and inept dumbass that didn't go slow enough or didn't use enough lube or whatever, so I never pressured her or even really talked about it, despite the fact that I rather like it.

I did, however, make it a point to give her asshole a little kiss or lick while I was down there for other reasons, which I could tell she quite enjoyed, so that eventually progressed into lengthy sessions of me thoroughly devouring her ass and doing my best to get my entire tongue up in there, with her wriggling in ecstasy and climaxing from that alone, which is great foreplay for making her cum 5 or 10 more times by fucking her brains out.

I never so much as stuck a finger up her ass, but a few months ago she said she wanted to try anal sex with me, so we went and got some toys to help her work up to it and took it slow and finally got her to relax enough that I got the head of my cock in her without it hurting and we both had huge orgasms while she furiously rubbed her pussy.

Since then she's pretty much begged me to do it often and more thoroughly, and each time we get a little closer to full on butt fucking, but she still has trouble relaxing and she has some flexibility issues due to knee problems, so it's a little difficult to get and keep good positioning, which can lead to her tensing up and cutting off my circulation so much that I go limp and have to pull out, which is then sometimes painful and attempting to put it back in can be as well, so we usually just give up and move on to something else.

I'm thinking about getting her one of those "pleasure swings" so we can get her just where and how she needs to be to make it feel the best for both of us.

 

If you're not willing to make him happy by giving something as popular and normal and fairly mundane as anal sex a chance though, maybe you should just throw the ring at him so he can sell it and spend the money on a girl that cares about his pleasure as much as or more than she cares about her own.

After all, most people wouldn't even consider a person's interest in anal sex to be a fetish, unless they're totally obsessed with it and can't climax without it, so what are you going to do if he expresses an interest in an actual fetish or kinky act, like wanting you to give him footjobs or wanting to watch you pee or have you pee on him or vice versa, or heaven forbid, have you give him a rimjob while you jack him off into a martini glass and then pour it over your face while humming "Singin' in the rain"?

I'm not saying grin and bear it if it hurts too bad, or kidnap elementary school kids or dogs to bring home for him or force yourself to eat shit or vote republican or anything just to make him happy, but you do need to get over the "gay" misconception and the attitude and be a little more receptive.

I'm sure there are even how-to videos you can get to help, and maybe you'll find you actually like it as long as you get a candle-lit oil rub to soft music first, or maybe that you need to be tied down and slapped around and even more painfully forced to enjoy it.

People are weird and unpredictable.

 

Speaking of, Star Trek is on..

Gotta go.

[banshee_terror_]

We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station - m4w

 

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Date: 2009-07-30, 9:56AM PDT

 

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First of all, I'm sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can't just walk up on you like that.

 

I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I'd had the time to admire you just a little longer.

 

The way you screamed at me, I can tell you're a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can't be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman.

 

Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn't even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You're a real lady.

 

In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.)

 

Come on by and we'll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!)

[Glamis321]

I need your eyesore,please help

Date: 2009-05-13, 2:04PM PDT

 

I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge peice of rusted heavy equiptment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help eachother out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old peice of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeekes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus

 

* Location: kelso

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

PostingID: 1169369888

[Bansh-eman]

This has got to be one of the funniest line I have read in a while...

 

"I'm not saying grin and bear it if it hurts too bad, or kidnap elementary school kids or dogs to bring home for him or force yourself to eat shit or vote republican or anything just to make him happy"