email jokes

[98bonerSTOCKshee]

sometimes these jokes are down right funny other times well....

 

Clever

A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

 

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

 

Getting Old

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

 

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

 

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

 

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

 

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

 

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

 

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

 

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

 

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

Jack or Debra

 

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

 

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

 

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

 

"Could you jack off?" she says. "Because I feel like shit."

 

[PUSH THE THROTTLE]

[98bonerSTOCKshee]

just got this one again today..

one of these day's I'm taking him up on the offer..

 

REQUEST FOR YOUR URGENT CO-OPERATION/ASSISTANCE HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

 

I am a member of a special Government Committee set up for the Review

and Award of contracts by the Federal Ministry Of Works and Housing. Our

status rank from, Ministerial post down to Director-Generals. This

Committee was principally mandated by the past Military Government to

review the bogus and over-inflated contracts awarded since 1993 to May 1998,

under the regime of Late General Sani Abacha who died in office in June

1998.

 

In the course of our duty, we were able to recover about

US$1,380,000,000.00(One Billion, Three Hundred and Eighty Million United States

Dollars) out of which we have used our good offices to set aside the sum of

US$48,140,000.00 for our utilization. However, as serving Civil

Servants, our Code of Conduct Laws strictly prohibits us from owning or

operating a foreign account, hence we decided to contact you and ask for your

assistance confidentially.

 

Together with some of the top officials of the Federal Ministry of

Finance, we plan to transfer this amount of money into an oversea account

by awarding a non-existent contract from the FMW&H to you, to perfect

the transfer. What we need from you is to provide a very vital account

into which the Funds will be transferred. The trust reposed on you at

this juncture is enormous, hence in return we have agreed to offer you 15%

of the transferred sum, while 5% shall be set aside as incidental

expenses (both internal and external) incurred between the parties, in the

course of the whole transaction. You will be mandated to remit the

balance to other accounts in due course.

 

You must note however that this transaction is subject to the following

terms and conditions:

a) Our conviction of your transparent honesty and diligence.

That you will treat this transaction with utmost secrecy and

confidentiality.

c) That the funds would be transferred to an interest-bearing account

where the incidence of taxation would not exert a heavy toll.

 

It may interest you to know that in 1999, a similar transaction was

carried out with one Signore Paolo Luigi, a Director of an Italian firm

who made away with our funds. This time around, we need a more reliable

and trustworthy person to do business with, hence this letter to you. So

if you can prove yourself trusted and are interested in this deal, then

we are prepared to do business with you. If this proposal satisfies

you, kindly include your telephone and fax numbers in your response to

enable us send you additional information/documents. Please kindly treat

as urgent and strictly confidential. I honestly assure you that this

transaction is 100% hitch-free and legal.

 

Please if you are in acceptance of this transaction try to in time send

to me your confidential and direct contact Tel/Fax numbers so that I

can send to you details concerning the timely and successful completion

of this project. You can also email me on [email protected].

 

 

I look forward to your urgent reply and thanking you for your

anticipated co-operation.

 

Yours truly,

 

Dr. Isa Williams.

[email protected]

[Motoman991]

i dont get the last one