MDS2106 Posted January 13, 2006 Report Posted January 13, 2006 > > To give you some background information, Rex, the > > author of this email, is in his mid 40's about 6'4 and > > 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is quite an > > intelligent person. > > > > Dear Friends, > > > > My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this > > earth will be Something akin to "Well, I have out done > > myself once again." No doubt you will see this true > > story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near > > future. Here goes. > > > > Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that > > tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" > > is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for > > my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I > > was looking for a little something extra for my sweet > > girl. > > > > What I came across was a 100,000-volt, > > pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of > > you who are not familiar with this product, it is a > > less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs > > designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of > > high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee > > to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, > > with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, > > but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. > > You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed > > assailant, push the button, and it will render him a > > slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, > > pencil-neck geek. > > > > > > If you've never seen one of these things in action, > > then you're truly missing out-way too cool! > > > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it > > home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and > > pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. > > Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' > > directions), I found much to my chagrin that this > > particular model would not create an arch between the > > prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. > > I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and > > pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the > > blue arch of electricity darting back and forth > > between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I > > did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, > > and a loud pop!!! > > > > > > > > Yipeeeeee . I'm easily amused, just for your > > information, but I have yet to explain to her what > > that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. > > > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking > > to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only > > two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. > > > > There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently > > (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that > > would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really > > needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood > > target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog > > for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. > > She is such a sweet pup, after all. > > > > > > > > > > But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to > > protect herself against a mugger, I did want some > > assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I > > wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to > > me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts > > and a tank top with my reading glasses perched > > delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one > > hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a > > one-second burst would shock and disorient your > > assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause > > muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a > > three-second burst would purportedly make your > > assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. > > All the while I'm looking at this little device > > (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in > > circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two > > itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no > > friggin' way!" > > > > Friggin'way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of > > myself. What happened next is almost beyond > > description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who > > know me well have got a pretty good idea of what > > followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on > > with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do > > it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such > > a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad > > (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, > > wouldn't you agree?). > > > > I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for > > the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is > > like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious > > that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though > > it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I > > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the > > button, and HOLY ********!!!! > > > > I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the > > front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then > > body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I > > vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal > > position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be > > found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my > > body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over > > me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my > > face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, > > do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug > > yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution.) There is > > no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap > > yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing > > until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent > > thrashing about on the floor. > > > > Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the > > prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) > > SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I > > can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this > > point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), > > sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses > > were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get > > there??? > > > > My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still > > twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with > > Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or > > take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has > > anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm > > offering a reward. > > They're round, rather large. Miss 'em ...... sure > > would like to get'em back. > > Quote
Gargamel Posted January 13, 2006 Report Posted January 13, 2006 Good one I had a tear come out for that one so hard Quote
sweetshee4312 Posted January 13, 2006 Report Posted January 13, 2006 ive never actually zapped myself with a tazor, but ive watched freinds do it, they didnt quit get that fucked up, but its funny to watch em squirm hahaha Quote
Wallrat Posted January 13, 2006 Report Posted January 13, 2006 Ah man that was great! Good find! I've got a simlilar one on my home comp about radio controlled blimps that I'll have to post now. Quote
Old Two-Smoke Posted January 13, 2006 Report Posted January 13, 2006 That is why they went to a true Tazer, you can only fire it once. Quote
Cotton eyed Joe Posted January 14, 2006 Report Posted January 14, 2006 Reminds me of being back in highschool watching a kid volunteer to have his face shocked by 2 people touching an ignition simulator. Quote
Wallrat Posted January 14, 2006 Report Posted January 14, 2006 In my physics class a guy burnt the hell outta his tongue by touching it to a capacitor. Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.